My grandparents were married for over 50 years. My parents were married for over 30. They were examples of “til death do us part” which you don’t see too often. Pretty much all of my friends are married with children and have been with their partners FOREVER. As we know I’m not great at romantic relationships and I seem to have the two year curse. I’m nearly 34 and in woman years that makes me 40. I say woman years because there is an expectation that women get married and have children earlier than men. If you’re a man in his 30s or even 40s and unmarried or single, you’re acceptable, you’re cool, you’re George Clooney. I can’t think of a female equivalent.
So there’s a bit of societal pressure for me to find “the one” and follow the 2.4 children path. With that in mind you’ll be pleased to hear I’m courting. “Hooray, she’ll get there, better late than never!” etc etc. I never thought I had anxiety until I entered into this partnership. I was always very open with my feelings, optomistic and relaxed. When you’ve been around the block a few times, it’s dificult not to be synical. I find my brain filled with doubts that torment me:
- You’re not his type.
- He’s too funny/intelligent for you, he’ll get bored.
- His friends and family are too nice, they must sectretly hate you.
- He sees it as temporary.
- He’s settling for you.
- He’s still in love with his ex girlfriend.
- We’re too different.
- We’re too similar.
- He’ll cheat on you.
- Our moon signs aren’t compatible. (I’m reliably informed that’s actually true!)
- Nothing ever lasts, why are you bothering?
I wrote a while ago about the power of thought to shape our reality so I’m really trying to fight the above so that I don’t sabotage myself. I’ll never know if any of the statements are true or false (apart from the moonsign thing) and that’s the risk of any relationship. All I can do is re-frame my thoughts, for example:
You’re not his type. Ok so physically speaking, this is true. I’m not pale skinned with red hair or from Asia. I’m sooooo not any of those things. However, I’m challenging, I’m a thinker, I have opinions and that is his type.
He’s still in love with his ex girlfriend. Maybe he is and so what? If you’re really in love with someone an element of that always remains and that’s normal. BUT it didn’t work out for a reason. Life and people move on. It doesn’t have to impact us.
Don’t get me wrong, there are days when I fixate on the negative thoughts and start to believe them. This isn’t just true for this relationship, but for lots of other areas of my life. But then I have to reset my head, have a word with myself and get it together.
I really believe being happy is a choice and takes way more effort than being miserable. So if you’ve ever had negative thoughts about anything, try re-framing them. Even if you don’t believe it at first, it’s like anything, the more you hear it, the more you’ll believe it.