Day 735

I’m a few days late with this blog because basically I forgot. I’m taking it as a good sign given that day 365 was such an issue. To remind you, I wrote 365 a year after I broke up with my ex girlfriend. It was significant because I had never really been single before and definitely not for a whole year. At the time, I challenged myself to write a blog a year later, after I had circled the sun again, to see what had changed. If I’m honest, I thought I would be happily coupled up and the comparisons would be starker. Not the plan the universe had in mind….

So what’s happened in the last year? Well, loads obviously. Dating wise I had a short lived thing with one of my best friends. We both knew it was a bit ridiculous but tried it anyway. I was very upset when it ended. Another failure. I was more upset at losing the friendship, something that I valued dearly. Luckily, I’m pretty good at getting the fuck over it and I hit rock bottom but bounced back pretty quickly. We worked hard to make sure the friendship remained intact and I’m really happy to report he’s still one of my best friends (despite everyone’s confusion about how that works). 

I’ve been casually dating for a while, dinners, drinks, cinema etc. Had a nice little rotation of companions for a while. None of which serious, despite my hope that something might develop with one of them, which on reflection, would have been a disaster. It was fulfilling a need at the time and the people were decent enough. 

Then I met someone out of the blue that I had an instant thing for, which never happens. Not my normal type in some ways, spot on in others. Despite the lovely time we were having, it was clear pretty quickly that our agendas were different and rather than drag it out, I had the dreaded “Where is this going?” conversation knowing that he’d say: “Nowhere.” He was lovely about it, really kind and let me down gently despite how awkward it must have been for him. We agreed to remain friends and so far, so good. It still stings a bit but I’d rather not have someone be lukewarm about me. I definitely met him for a reason, part of which was to remind me what I want. I want the butterflies, the feeling of holy-shit-this-person-is-amazing, the deeper connection. I’m a bit sick of surface level, transactional bullshit. Plus he’s given me faith that there are people out there that have the qualities I’m looking for. The key is to find one that wants me too but that’s out of my control. 

So I remain single and I feel good about it. I’m the happiest I’ve been in a while. I know I don’t need anyone but I’m clearer than ever on what I’m about and I’m brave enough to speak up and put myself out there. Given how shit I felt on day 365, I feel like day 735 is a win. 

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