Yesterday was 364 days. Yesterday I felt fine about it, didn’t think twice. Today it’s 365 days. There is something significant about day 365 that can make you feel a tiny bit shit. To put it into perspective, my little body on this spaceship we call Earth has physically orbited the Sun by one whole rotation. You could argue therefore, that I am physically back to the same place in the universe that I was 365 days ago. Maybe that’s why I’m so reflective today. When I think about the journey (not just around the sun) that I’ve taken in the last year, it’s almost unbelievable. 364 days ago I was one half of a relationship with a beautiful girl. I was a girlfriend, I was accountable for someone else’s feelings. 365 days ago I decided to go it alone. It was something I needed to do. When I told my best friend that I wanted to be single for at least 6 months, she laughed. I think the whatsapp response was “Yeah, we’ll see! ;-)”
She had a point. As we’ve established, I’m not great at romantic relationships but what I haven’t disclosed yet, is that I’m not that great at being single. I got my first boyfriend at 13 years old and since then I have hopped from one thing to the next. Sometimes with a break of a month or two at most and sometimes with an overlap. So this time, I was determined to go cold turkey. If I’m honest, I didn’t believe I’d make it to 6 months either. I always seem to find someone pretty quickly and that’s been the problem, I’ve never had that space and time to myself. Don’t get me wrong, I’m fiercely independent, I live alone and love my own company and I don’t need someone else to validate my existence, I just love being part of a team. I love the security of knowing that there is someone in the world who prioritizes me above anyone else. I love the feeling of being in love with someone. Who doesn’t?
The past year has been crazy. I spent Christmas and New Year in self-inflicted solitary confinement. I said goodbye to my colleagues on 23rd December and didn’t see or speak to anyone in terms of friends and family until I returned to work on 4th Jan. I’m not gonna lie, it was pretty dark. I am definitely glad I did it but I will definitely never do that again. While I have remained single, I haven’t remained celibate. Given that my Dad might read this, all I’ll say I’ve had a lot of fun. Let’s leave that one there. I’ve traveled a lot. For work and for pleasure and I’ve done the majority of it alone. I’ve lived in my own head more than ever before. I don’t know how to properly convey what I mean by that, other than to say that the dialogue I have with myself has been 90% of my dialogue in general.
I detest the expression “finding yourself”. It literally makes me cringe. It implies that you weren’t a proper person before, and I definitely was. I was just a different version of myself. I feel like now I know myself better than ever and I have reflected on my relationship with myself, other people, my values, my ambitions, everything. It’s been great in lots of ways. I did 100% the right thing and I don’t regret the decision I made. But because I’m a human and my brain is a little wind up merchant, thoughts have entered my head in relation to failure. Every break up is a failure. I failed AGAIN at maintaining a relationship with another human being and that’s a sad thought. OK so the last post said that I can control my thoughts and create my own happiness so let’s spin this another way. Come on girl, you got this………………….*scratches head and screws up brow in a pensive manner.
OK so what about this: maybe every break up isn’t a failure, it’s a victory? Maybe it’s actually something that demonstrates my bravery? The easy option is to stay in your comfort zone, in that security, even if you’re unhappy. The hard thing is to leap into an unknown future by yourself. Hmm, I’ll let that mull around for a bit.
Regardless of failure or victory, I may be physically in the same place in the universe that I was 365 days ago, but emotionally and psychologically I might as well be in a different galaxy. I need to remember to write a blog 365 days from now and compare the next orbit around the Sun. Fuck knows where I’ll be by then.