I’ve always been happy in my own company. As a kid, my next door neighbour would knock for me to come out and play and I’d often say no because I was happy enough dicking about on my own. At uni, some of the girls in my halls of residence thought I was odd because I’d take myself off to watch TV on my own while they were all in a room together watching the same show. I just liked the space.
Recently though, after quite a lot of isolation, I realised I’m lonely. It’s a new experience for me and one I’m not massively comfortable with. I wrote The L Word thinking that everyone would think I’m a complete weirdo and so I was shocked by the response. It turns out that LOTS of people feel the same way and people aren’t just lonely because they are physically alone, they are lonely in marriages, in families, in groups of friends, in jobs, in life in general. Loneliness is a very real thing which seems ridiculous on paper given that we live in an age where we are “connected” 24/7 via that little square thing we carry around with us.
So what have I been doing about my loneliness? Well, quite a lot actually:
Work – I mentioned I travel a lot for work. Well, travel has slowed down which means I’m working from home. I love my flat but I get cabin fever. To combat that, I’ve been leaving the house (shock horror) and working from cafes/bars. My neighbour also works from home so sometimes the two of us will go and sit in a coffee shop and work together. She’s hilarious and it’s nice to have such fun energy around. Also, while working alone in a bar one lunch time I ended up talking to a lad who is opening a co working space for people exactly like me which is 5 minutes from my house. So, long term, the work isolation problem is pretty much solved.
Volunteering – You all know I am (in the words of my sister), “a fucking do-gooder” and LOVE volunteering…. well I’ve been doing more of that. As well as all the normal Lewis Foundation and Age UK stuff, I recently stumbled across a fantastic website, Nene Collective, who were looking for writers. Oh Hey! I’m over here! So I met a bunch of cool as fuck women and I’ve hung out with them a couple of times. Also, the lad from the co work space was looking for people to help out with the building project in preparation for opening. Given I’m doing Sober October, (which is a whole other blog post), it’s been a bloody godsend to don the painting gear and be distracted in the evenings. Turns out the co work lad also knows lots of lovely people – winner.
Saying Yes – I’m up for anything (steady!) and I’m pretty good at making the effort to see people and go places but there are times when I might over think situations and end up not doing something. For example with the Nene Collective group – I was anxious to meet new people and almost completely cancelled. But, I put my big girl pants on and did something that was a little scary. Within seconds the anxiety disappeared as I realised they were all just like me.
I arranged a street party back in August for my road and in September some of the neighbours wanted to do drinks. It was a Friday, I was tired and I was going to be out with three couples. I wasn’t sure if it’d be fun 7th wheeling and again, almost bailed. It was loads of fun, in fact too much fun. The kind of fun that ends up with me hugging the toilet bowl all night. Despite the hangover, it was worth it.
I went out one evening to have a quiet drink (on my own) and to write letters for From Me to You Letters. I like a pub setting, having humans around me as well as a glass of wine on the go is perfect. A couple of lads walked in who I know of on a surface level from a different pub in the town (yes, I do go to pubs a lot and no, I’m not sure if it’s a problem…) Anyway, normally I would say hi and go back to what I was doing. Instead I was brave and asked if they wanted to sit with me. One pub led to another and it was 3:00am by the time I got home.
So yeah, I’ve been putting myself out there and things are slowly but surely shifting. It’s amazing how one action creates another and it snowballs. I’m not saying I don’t still feel lonely, of course I do. BUT I definitely feel less so because I’m building up a network of people, of meaningful connections with humans that I like, in the town that I live. You can’t say fairer than that.