confidence

Maybe there is nothing else to say?

July 11, 2018

Writing something meaningful every week gets hard. It brings about a mini crisis of confidence every time I put hands to keyboard. After 62 published blog posts for It’s Character Building, as well as a fuck tonne for other people, you’d think it’d get easier, but it doesn’t. I remember writing my first blog post When Did You Know You Were Gay? and thinking “Oh well, no one will read it anyway.” It’s still my most visited post, which is interesting, seeing as I haven’t really spoken a great deal about my sexuality since. Of course, the first post being the “most successful” (if views are the barometer of success) also makes me think why should I carry on writing? Maybe I’ve peaked? Maybe there is nothing else to say?

I never pretend that I have the most successful blog in the word. I don’t see the point. I never set out to be Insta-famous or to be an influencer, or even to be a blogger, I just wanted to write. My hairdresser asked me how many views I get for my blog posts, I said about 100. I’m fairly sure he was underwhelmed. I wasn’t sure if that was the right figure but I knew it wouldn’t be more than that. Turns out I was wrong and it’s more like 150 views but that’s classic me, always underselling what I’ve done.

I met with my very lovely and talented friend last week who is starting a business consultancy service. I’m one of his very willing guinea pigs. As I talked through the self-employment thing I’m doing, I felt flat. I wanted to be able to tell him about all my successes, that I have my shit together, that I have loads of clients and pipeline and that I was putting to good use my business degree and 15 years of experience. I couldn’t say any of that because that’s not the reality. The reality that came out of our conversation was that I have imposter syndrome, I see financial success as directly linked to poor mental health so I try my best to self-sabotage and I have zero self-belief.

Wow. More stuff to work through. The mental health stuff seems never ending sometimes.

My other lovely friend and guest blogger, Josh, who wrote The key to happiness is wasting time, told me in our first podcast chat that when the blogging gets hard, that’s when I should write. So I sat down today and thought, what shall I write about? What I actually wanted to write about was the World Cup and football culture but after last week’s blog, Here she goes again: The Gender debate, I didn’t want to play into the Feminazi label I’m trying to dispell. Maybe I’ll revisit the subject in 6 months when the dust has settled.

Then the anxious part of my brain kicked in with the usual: There’s no point, no one reads your bullshit, you’re just adding more noise to an already noisy digital world, what makes you think anyone cares, people probably screenshot your crap and laugh about it in group chats. Yep, that’s how fucked up my head gets. Then I thought: no, come on Ms Positivity, reframe what you’re thinking. So I checked out the blog stats page. Since inception I’ve written over 40,000 words, the blog has reached 70 countries and had over 8500 views. For someone who isn’t writing about the popular topics of fitness, fashion, lifestyle or parenting, that’s not damn bad. It isn’t hugely trendy to be like: Hey, I’m a fucking mess but aren’t we all. Let’s be a fucking mess together and do our best just to get through it. BUT I know it has helped people because they’ve told me and the writing part has certainly helped me.

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