snake

Snake Charming

February 19, 2019

So apparently I’m a positivity blogger? That’s a thing, right? Before you start, I know I haven’t done much of the blogging stuff lately but I do have an excuse. I’ve been making money – woo hoo! Slowly, very S L O W L Y but surely the business is building, I’m getting more writing and training gigs, (I don’t want to jinx it) but honestly things are going in the right direction…..Thank fuck for that.

All that aside, I still have plenty to blog about. Actually this self-employment journey is giving me LOADS of content, it’s finding the time to get it all down on paper that’s the issue. So, in the latest installment of It’s Character Building (AKA What Laura learnt about this cold, cruel, world) we’re talking wildlife. I know, it’s a shock to me too. Don’t worry, I have not added animal rights activist to my growing array of self-awarded hats, rather I’m talking about people being like snakes. Hello wildlife simile! My year 8 English teacher would be so proud right now.

So let’s jump right in. I thought I would focus this blog on the snakes that I have encountered in adulthood. A snake being a person who is fake, unethical, sneaky, self-serving….you get the picture. Let me break down the types.

Matey Snake

These are the ones who act like they’re you mate. They will be super supportive, friendly and encouraging but actually there’s a hidden agenda that is completely directed towards benefiting them. These are really dangerous snakes because they’ve gained your trust and confidence. You might have shared information with them, maybe stuff about your worries, weak spots or insecurities which leaves you vulnerable. With genuine friends, there’s no risk in vulnerability because the information won’t be used against you. But with this kind of info, matey snake has HIT THE JACKPOT.

Behaviour by a matey snake includes (but isn’t limited to):

  • Passive aggressively criticizing your choices or path and disguising it as “challenging you to be your best you.”
  • Playing on your kindness to get time/advice/money/support that takes away from your own progress.
  • Being super nice to your face and then talking negatively about you behind your back to anyone who’ll listen. (Actually maybe there should be a new category called “Stupid Snake”)
  • Wanting your time and making you feel bad for not being there for them when actually all they want is someone to listen to their bullshit and they have ZERO interest in what’s going on with you. (Actually maybe I should put myself into just a “Stupid” category for ever having friends like this…)

It’s-Just-Business Snake

Weeeelllllll actually hun, it’s not just business, it’s snaky snakery. So this breed tends to do oh so lovely things like only share leads/contacts if there is a cut for them, or purposely keep and pitch for work that is totally better suited to you even if it means losing you both the business in the long run. They’ll undercut you and undermine your skills to get ahead. They love making out to the bosses that your idea was actually theirs and somehow manage to either take over your project or just take the glory at the end once you’ve done all the hard work.

Another classic is literally taking your hard work and using your performance as a blue print for themselves. This has happened to me A LOT over the years. Of course, they’ll change it just enough to make it not a 100% replica of the hard work you put in but really guys it ain’t that subtle. They’ll also trade on your name to get through the door. Literally telling people they know you or work with you when they don’t. Or maybe they do kinda know you but they’ll make out you’re best friends in order to trade on your credibility. Sure, networking is a thing but JAYSUS CHRIST *said in the most Irish accent ever*

Super Snake

These are the ones that give ZERO FUCKS about being a snake. They will literally say “Yes, I’m a snake” like it’s a badge of honor and look at you like you’re the stupid one for not being a snake as well. Annoyingly, people like this do really well in business – not so well in life though from my experience, so that’s something at least. These snakes are clever because they will justify their behaviour, they’re normally intelligent, well-reasoned, confident. Basically they are sociopaths.

Politicians are pretty much all super snakes. Anyone who works in the city by default has to be a super snake. (Trust me, I’ve been there). Anyone in sales, yep, you got it. Super snake. In fact, it’s very rare that you meet anyone at the top of any profession or holding any kind of power – I’m looking at you religious leaders – who doesn’t have super snake tendencies.

In Conclusion

Your mates, your colleagues and your leaders are all snakes. The End.

Just joking. (Sort of)

In all seriousness, people are snakes. We all have snake tendencies. We are programmed to survive and back on the savanna millions of years ago, we needed that programming to make it through the day. However, it’s 2019 and we ain’t on the savanna. We are (allegedly) educated, developed, secure. We can choose to fight against our snaky nature. I can hold my hands up and say that I have, at one time or another been all three of the types of snakes I’ve described. Some of it was intentional, most of it wasn’t but still I’m as guilty as you are. I guess the point of this blog is to hold a mirror up to us all. If you read this and think, “shit, that’s me!” then now you have an informed decision to make about your morality. If you don’t recognise yourself in any of these descriptions, sorry kid, I hate to burst your bubble, but you’re lying to yourself.

Let’s call time on the snake bullshit.

It’s time to slither on out of the grass or expect to be hunted down and banished in true Saint Patrick style.

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